Working motherhood is not easy. It’s not even on the same continent as easy. And so many of us struggle with mom guilt and have internal battles with ourselves over what we perceive we should be doing at all times. But ladies, we are our own worst enemy sometimes and the pressure we put on ourselves is too much for us to bear. So let’s be realistic. Let’s realize we can’t (and should not) do it all and be EVERYTHING to everyone. Let’s manage our expectations in a way that alleviates the mental load burdens and allows us to lead a happy life at home and at work.
Why Working Moms should Learn to Manage Expectations
Let’s start with the obvious: you are not a superhero. I know, I know. I wish I was too. But the reality is, I don’t have magical powers. I don’t have super strength or speed. And I don’t have the ability to devote 100% of myself in every avenue.
But working moms, and really all moms, try to wear the cape. We try to be #SuperMom and while that is an amazing ideal, it should not be our goal. Moms who try to do it all are stressed. Always tired. Stretched too thin beyond what we can handle. Super Moms are at risk for depression!
“For better mental health, working moms should accept that they cant do it all.” {Source}
Let me just reiterate that I am not saying we need to lower our expectations. In fact, this article suggests that higher expectations lead to happiness, whether they are met or not. I am simply stating that we can manage our expectations and adjust them to fit our current life and current needs.
Managing Expectations at Work
I think the moment when we realize we are not who we were prior to having children is the moment we can begin to manage our expectations at work. Yes, motherhood changes us. It changes our bodies and our minds (hello mom brain?) but it also changes our perception of the world and our priorities.
Maybe we were motivated or driven to achieve a certain role at work. Or even get an advanced degree while working full-time. Maybe this required working many, many overtime hours and weekends. And now, we realize that is no longer an option. We are sleep-deprived, our bodies are exhausted and still recovering, and our little ones need us to be around more often. Clearly, something will need to change.
How we manage that expectation is to realistically review our situation. We don’t have to give up on our work goals just because we are moms now. But, maybe we adjust the schedule. Maybe our 2-year plan becomes a 5-year plan? Managing our expectation of reaching certain goals or promotions can help maintain our happiness at work, and keep us from burning out. And maintaining our goals and ambitions keep us motivated and excited about our work.
Manage. Adjust. Don’t give up, but do make changes.
Managing Expectations at Home
Now here is where I do suggest we lower our expectations, at least of ourselves. Personally, I can’t keep my house looking like it belongs in a Southern magazine. That’s OKAY though! I keep our house livable, and when it gets to be overwhelming, I ask for help. I hire a cleaning crew to do what I can’t (or don’t want to) do. I ask my spouse to help tackle a certain home issue. I remind my preschooler to pick up his toys. But I don’t expect 100% perfection.
I’m the same way about food. I’m no gourmet chef. I also don’t care if I eat the same thing all the time, and the family really doesn’t either. So we have a few go-to easy meals on a rotation that keep out of my mental load. I get grocery delivery.
This is managing our expectations at home. I believe it is important to know what to focus on, what to prioritize, and what to delegate or let go.
Managing Expectations in Life
And finally, we have our lives in general. Managing expectation in life is very important. And we should expect the best. Here is where I think the sky is the limit. Raise our expectations for greatness, reach for the stars for happiness, tranquility, and joy.
“Having high expectations about the future makes us happier at present.” {Source}
Anticipating greatness is one of the wonderful pleasures in life. Anticipating and planning a vacation. Our upcoming birthdays. A concert we have been waiting for or a chance to meet our favorite celebrity.
Using mindfulness practices helps manage our expectations because we give weight and value where it is most important. Mindfulness gives us the opportunity to act, rather than react. Here’s how!
Mindfulness allows us to think through our goals, our situations, and really think through the realistic outcomes. When we manage our expectations to that realistic outcome, we are not only more in control, but we are happier. We don’t feel let down or overwhelmed.
Setting healthy expectations is what I believe the goal should be. Unmet expectations can cause stress, and when the expectations were not honestly achievable, to begin with, we are setting ourselves up for unnecessary hurt.
We can avoid setting unrealistic expectations with mindfulness because a mindful practice does not assume, it thinks through all scenarios. A mindful practice enjoys and appreciates where we are in life today. It focuses on the positives. It really is about having expectations of yourself.
Mindful management of expectations gives us the opportunity to speak up. If there is something we want or need to achieve our goals and meet these expectations, it is up to us to voice that. It allows us to take action pre-emptively to support our intended outcome, and prevent anticipated barriers.
Over to you – how are you managing your expectations to find joy and calm in the chaos of working motherhood?
Suggested reading: Managing Expectations book ideas
This post is part of the 31 Tips for Working Moms series. See the rest of the posts here:
Carole says
You say, “Moms who try to do it all are stressed. Always tired. Stretched too thin beyond what we can handle. Super Moms are at risk for depression!”
That was not my experience.
I was a working single mom. I had my daughter, a dog, 2 cats, and a beach. (a beach is a ton of work – not to mention sand everywhere.) Now, I did not try to sew, mend, make my own cleaners, do canning…That’s just crazy.
But we did have a clean house, fresh meals on the table, and time for relaxation, recreation, and just to spend together.
It really comes down to your habits and routines. I cleaned the kitchen and bath every night, which may sound crazy, but when you do it every day it only takes minutes. I avoid letting things get hard.
I think too many people are living a ‘less than’ life because they’ve been convinced that its too hard. Don’t have crazy expectations, but don’t sell yourself short either.
And in my experience, the most miserable women are the ones who try to do the least and then complain.
Natasha says
This is a great post. Motherhood is hard enough, nevermind all our expectations that we place on ourselves also. Great tips in here!
Julie says
Thanks Natasha! Yes, motherhood is hard enough! We gotta be less hard on ourselves.