Some moms are Pinterest moms. This post is not for them. This post is for moms who I like to call survival mode moms.
Moms who barely get by day to day with a high-intensity child and a busy schedule. Moms who work all day then take care of a child all night, because let’s face it, those kids don’t leave us alone at night. Especially those of us solo-parenting, or parenting a dragon child (on in my case – both). This is for those of us who are struggling each day. We’re in survival mode, and we need to support one another.
Moms have a vital and heavy role – we take care of a tiny human who relies on us for everything, and this is outside our other obligations like work, taking care of the home, and our spouse. The number of hats we wear may fill a shop, but sometimes we’re the only ones who notice.
I’m writing this post as my toddler is screaming, fighting bedtime. I have gone into his room four times already to escort him back to bed and explain that mommy isn’t putting up with this screaming anymore and refuses to lay with him until he falls asleep. Mommy has things to do too, and this kid needs to learn to sleep, dangit!
That’s one thing survival mode does, it makes you soft, then hard. First I would lay with my toddler in his bed until he would fall asleep. All that would do is cause him to freak out each time he woke in the night alone, requiring me to run back to his room and take him to my bed so we (or at least I) could get some sleep at night before having to get up to go to work. That was me being soft. It worked, at first. Then he started taking advantage.
Several nights this past week he would wake and have an hour-long tantrum in the middle of the freaking night! I know he misses Daddy, I know it is hard for him to adjust to him being away when he got to come home over the holidays on leave. But that doesn’t mean he can take it out on mommy. One night this past week got especially bad after the second such tantrum, that mommy lost it and started crying and sobbing as well. Interestingly, that stopped his tantrum and then we held each other sobbing until we fell back asleep.
Then I would go to work with eye bags that have their own suitcases, have to survive a long commute, brain all day, and then deal with him for another night. That’s when survival mode makes you hard. It reminds you that it is time for a little tough love and the only way to get a child off your back and literally out of your hair is to teach him this behavior is no longer acceptable.
My mom wasn’t this soft with me, and she constantly reminds me to be tougher and teach him what is appropriate. The pediatrician said the same at our two-year appointment as she saw how he was behaving with me.
But I’m a softie. Motherhood has turned me into a softie. So hearing him cry and complain breaks my heart and gives me all the mom guilt, but tantrums must be dealt with, and comforting him through them just makes it worse. I stay close, but out of reach, so when the screaming and bucking stops, I can comfort and show him the calmer behavior is rewarded. But nights need to be different, and he needs to learn that two-year-olds don’t wake mommy up in the middle of the night to have a scream fest.
So what are survival mode moms to do?
Well, we do whatever it takes to get through the day and night. We find shortcuts, hacks, tips – things that make our tasks easier. And most importantly, we remember to take care of ourselves.
The phrase self-care has been making the rounds on the internet, especially with new year’s resolutions being touted by many. Personally, I have been awful at taking care of myself. My immune system is down; a simple cold takes me out for weeks (though I still have to work and parent, while zombie-ing around). So this needs to change. I need to focus on me, at least sometimes.
How I Practice Self-Care when I remember to do so
I drink a strong, warm cup of tea. Emphasis on the warm, because, you know. If it means the tantruming toddler is put in his old pack-n-play for a timeout while I reheat my cup, so be it. That cup of tea is a balm to my soul.
I blog. Like I’m doing right now. Instead of going to bed early. But getting this out is therapeutic, and I know that other moms feel this way too.
I call my mom. Or talk to a friend or neighbor. Getting support from other moms is so important.
I snuggle with my cat. Cats are excellent at soothing, with their cuddling and the purring.
I read though I haven’t done that at home in a long time.
I place an herbal heating pad on my shoulders. I just heat it up in the microwave and place it on my shoulders, and let the warmth and lavender scents take me away.
It may not be a perfect Pinterest life, but we moms got this! Sometimes we forget, but we do wear invisible capes. When we support each other and take care of ourselves, our duties become that much less daunting. And now, with my toddler softly snoring away in his bed, I shall go do the same in mine.
What do you do to help get through those survival mode days?
Lacey says
Self care is so important! In fact lately my little man has been playing pretty well on his own allowing me a little time to read something that is sooooooo restorative to my soul!
Julie says
Reading is so restorative, I agree! That’s awesome that you’re finally able to read a little.
kid can doodle says
I used to have a cat, and he helped take my blues away.
tineke - workingmommyabroad says
Tea and blogging are definitely also my go-to places… Great post! Thanks for linking-up on Working Mommy Abroad, have shared your post!
Erin @ Stay at Home Yogi says
Ah, the image of you and your son crying TOGETHER! I have totally been there mama! More than once! <3 You're so right to focus on your self care as much as you can. You're doing an amazing job, but it does feel like a thankless and endless job most days!
Julie says
THanks Erin! Yes thankless and endless, and seriously no one should have to do this alone.
Samantha @ Momma Wants Java says
Wow. You know when you read those posts that are so relatable and so honest & accurate that it takes your breath away a little? This just did that. I totally feel you on the survival mode. Hang in there Momma, you’re doing amazing!
Julie says
Thanks so much Samantha!!
Stefani @ Crafty Christian says
Oh mama, I’m there with you in survival mode. I don’t think that any mom is truly a Pinterest mom, we are all hot messes. Some are just better at hiding it 😉 I love relaxing tea and bubble baths with my favorite books for self-care. And blogging helps too!
Julie says
I’m happy to see more moms admit to being hot messes LOL oh man I can’t remember my last bubble bath
Nikki Crump says
This post came right on time for me. I’m currently in survival mode. My two year old is throwing tantrums like no one’s business lately! I lost it today! I’m so happy it is not just me dealing with these terrible two’s.
Julie says
I don’t know how people agree to have more kids after all these tantrums.
Paige Rodriguez says
Yes! Survival mode is right! I’m just now learning to take more time for me as well, it’s so important and one of the reasons I started blogging as well 🙂 My son is entering 2’s now, so much of what you touched on I can relate to! You’re a great mommy, we all need a breather, even if it means letting them cry in time-out while we shut the door and have quiet time ourselves (with our tea or coffee) 🙂 I hope you get some good time to yourself today! Xo
Julie says
Those 2s are no joke! Hope you get some time for yourself as well!
Maureen says
surviving! for sure! Each day has its challenges and most days I overcome them. I honestly believe only moms can really relate. It’s not easy, and at times we feel so alone. But what’s crazy is we are doing one of the most profound things there is to do, forming a young mind to be a person that can make a difference in this world! motherhood is a crazy wonderful thing. 🙂
Maureen Azize says
surviving! for sure! Each day has its challenges and most days I overcome them. I honestly believe only moms can really relate. It’s not easy, and at times we feel so alone. But what’s crazy is we are doing one of the most profound things there is to do, forming a young mind to be a person that can make a difference in this world! motherhood is a crazy wonderful thing. 🙂
Julie says
It totally is a crazy and wonderful thing! Thanks Maureen!
Savannah says
Blogging with a nice HOT cup of hot chocolate is the way to my soul, hahaha. Seriously, those times when you’re running purely on fumes and coffee are the ones you just need to take a break and remind yourself that you’re doing okay. And taking care of ourselves too doesn’t make us bad moms. Thanks so much for the reminder! <3
Julie says
Ah yes hot cocoa 🙂 Thanks Savannah!
Stephanie says
Love this post. Thanks for the honesty in here. Motherhood is so tough! I love that you’ll heat up that tea again if you need to. Enjoy that warmth!
Julie says
Thanks Stephanie! Sometimes you just have to heat it up again and again ha
Ashly J says
Thanks for posting this! It’s always nice to know there are other moms out there in survival mode.
Julie says
There seem to be a lot of us in that mode heh
Lamora says
I couldn’t agree more. I know that blogging for me has been a huge source of sanity. I love writing with a purpose and having thoughts forming in my head other than “what side did I breastfeed my baby on last?” ?
Julie says
Blogging is so great for that!
Jasmine Hewitt says
Love this-I think every Mom is in Survival Mode at one time, or permanently, whether we want to admit it or not (even the Pinterest Moms)
Julie says
I hope not permanently!
Casey says
This is ME, I am in Survival mode. I’m right with you Julie! Work all day, get home and pray for a pleasant evening and that I can keep my strength and patience together and enjoy my child that I love so much instead of wanting a strangle her little neck. I’d rather kiss that sweet neck 🙂
Julie says
Yes yes yes!
Stacy says
Great post, lol I feel like you were talking about my life. I also blog and call my mom but I wish I had more time to myself sometimes.
Julie says
Moms are great to call 🙂
Georgiana says
Oh, man. Hats off to you! I TOTALLY GET IT. For 9 years I was a single mom in survival mode. Those first 3 years I was so sleep deprived I really don’t remember much, sadly. I’m glad you take the time for self care–it really matters.
Julie says
That’s a long time to be surviving, I thought this one year was rough enough!
Brittany says
ok the best part, Some moms are Pinterest moms. This post is not for them. This post is for moms who I like to call survival mode moms. So true. Some days all we can do is survive and that is ok! I have had a rough past few days. Somedays I amaze myself at what I can accomplish and other times I feed my kiddo cereal for dinner. The winter months always get me down and in a funk. I’m so thankful for my blogging friends. Most days they are the only adult interaction I get!
Julie says
Oh I feel you about the winter months. Makes things seem so much harder.
DJ @ 1000WaysToSave says
What a great topic to bring to light. When our two kids were little, there were a lot of times my wife and I went into pure survival mode. “Let’s just get through today” we’d say to each other when times were rough. Though its hard to recognize it at the time, things are eventually going to get better.
Julie says
I’m definitely looking forward to things getting easier one day heh
Chelsea says
Survival mode is real. I wouldn’t make it through the day without a close a friend I met through my local MOMs Club. We have the same age kids, mine girls, hers boys. We text every day to check in and vent with one another. Every mom needs to find their village!
Cheslea http://www.binkiesandbaubles.com
Julie says
Oh yes having a “battle buddy” is crucial!
sarah says
I live in survival mode. This is such a great real article.
J. Ivy Boyter says
I love this and have two dragons myself! Funny, I’ve never seen anyone else write about them as dragons except in a group I’m part of. I have lived in survival mode for 5.5 years as a less-and-less sane SAHM.
Julie says
We might be in the same group, the FB high needs/colic/etc group?
Julie says
But two dragons? what made you agree to have a second? cause my kid is seriously making me rethink having more lol
Kayla says
I love this! I live in survival mode ?
Jessi says
I am in survival mode for sure. My baby is in 4,month sleep regression and my almost 4 year old is just an emotional mess who throws fits when she doesn’t get her way.
Julie says
yikes, no sleep and fits, so that stage just keeps on giving
Belle says
Ah! I just love this! I am one of the survival mode moms so I can definitely relate!
Belle | One Awesome Momma
Sara | Get Mom Balanced says
Thanks for this, Julie! Love this post. I know exactly what you mean and agree that survival mode is often the default setting for life. And, it’s so easy to forget that others are in this survival mode too because they look so pulled together on the outside. Reading has been great for me lately. I give myself a goal of one chapter a day (or half if it’s a busy day). I fit it in where I can 🙂
Julie says
Thanks Sara! at least I have my audio books on my commute
Christine - The Choosy Mommy says
PREACH! I am the one home with my 2 kids the majority of the day. My husband works long hours and sees them for maybe 2 hours before bedtime every night. It isn’t all fun and games being a mom, but someone has to do it!
Julie says
I don’t think I am made of strong enough stuff to stay home with my kid full time ?
Kendra says
TRUTH! Survival mode is the right description for so many situations! Good luck with your nights. Bring on the tea, heating pad, and purring cat 🙂
Julie says
Thanks Kendra!