Mommy guilt is a topic new Moms get familiar with pretty quickly. There is so much we want to do for our child, think we should be doing, and yet aren’t able to for whatever reason. I think we are being unfair to ourselves for allowing ourselves to feel all this mom guilt.
Tips to fight Mom Guilt
Get out of your own head!
Most of the guilt is caused by your own brain over-analyzing things and telling you what you should be doing and comparing it to what you’re not. Let your heart lead, and if your heart is content, shut the brain up.
Repeat: Good for her, not for me.
(Thanks Amy Poehler) A lot of guilt is caused by comparing yourself to others. We’re all different and have different challenges and situations. Let’s not compare ourselves to the moms who appear more put together than we are, and then we won’t feel guilt for any (perceived) shortcomings.
Think about the Why.
Why are you feeling this way? Can you pinpoint a specific cause of your guilt? Sometimes when you acknowledge what is bothering you, the nagging inside your mind goes away.
Find alternatives.
If the nagging does not go away, can we do something else to address the issue? If the underlying cause of the guilt is time away from children while we are at work, we can make the time we spend with them on the weekends extra special and meaningful and maybe take them somewhere new and exciting.
Forgive yourself.
We can’t do it all, we’re just not able to be in all the places all the time. Decisions need to be made for the good of our families and ourselves, and sometimes that may mean letting someone down. Forgive yourself and allow yourself to focus on the good things you’re already doing, instead of dwelling on everything else you may be leaving out.
Has Mommy guilt been a huge burden to you? Share some ways you combat the guilt. What do you feel guilty about?
Now print out this lovely reminder to fight that guilt!
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Hailey says
I love the comparison one. It is so true! We all have our own needs and personalities, we can’t all live the same lives! Thanks for sharing!
Julie says
Thanks Hailey! Yes, we can’t live the same lives. I LOVE that!
Nikki Rae says
I got another one that I constantly struggle with, comparing myself to other moms.
Julie says
Comparison can definitely be dangerous. But I’m here to support you and say that you’re doing great mama even if someone else is doing something different.
C. Lee Reed says
I have never conquered this one. Guilt is prevalent. Hard to beat.
Julie says
I agree, guilt is definitely prevalent. But we can’t let it get us down too often either.
ChristyK says
This is something you don’t hear a lot of. Probably because most moms *are* comparing themselves to other moms– me included! And I just have to stop myself and say, “you know what? I am doing my best, we are doing this the way we think is best and the way God wants us to! And we aren’t worse off for it.”
Julie says
I love your mantra! Yes, we have to remind ourselves and each other that we are doing a great job 🙂
Marie says
I think mommy guilt is something that affects all of us moms, no matter if we work outside the home or at home, or what age our kids are. We start comparing ourselves to others and it’s a joy stealer, planting guilt in our hearts instead. You have some good tips to combat that. I would add my daily quiet time with the Lord to help keep me focused. Good article!
Julie says
Thanks Marie, yes we compare no matter our circumstances, and we need to remember to center ourselves and focus on our kids and not other people’s lives.
Rebecca says
Oh the guilt! It is like a dark cloud that hangs over my head. I have gotten much better as my kids get older but I do have guilt that I am going to send them into years of therapy! I joke about it but for a long time mommy guilt really debilitated me to the point where I suffered severe anxiety. I have to fight to get out of my own head and realize that if I am not taking care of myself first then how am I able to properly care for others.
Julie says
Aww I’m sorry all that guilt caused so much anxiety. *HUGS* You are right though that we can’t take care of others if we can’t take care of ourselves.
Melissa Vera says
Now that my girls are older mommy guilt doesn’t work on me but when they were little they sure knew how to work it.
Julie says
Ooh that’s an interesting point, that your kids were giving you the guilt trips.
Lerie says
This is definitely a post I can relate to. I feel guilty that I’m not doing enough or I’m not good enough. But I know I shouldn’t think or feel that way my child needs me my child loves me and I am the best mom he can have.
Julie says
Yes! You are definitely enough as long as your child is happy and healthy. I love that – you’re the best mom your child can have. YES! Thanks Lerie!
Catrina says
Oh I had this so bad. It was so difficult for me after my daughter was born. I felt like I had to be with her every minute she was awake. I had to be the one always caring for her. I think I started making myself sick.
At least it gets better. I still struggle from time to time but it does get better.
Julie says
Great point Catrina, you really can make yourself sick with all the guilt and “I should be” thoughts. Thanks for letting us know it gets better 🙂
Heather says
I am unfortunately too familiar with this. Since I also homeschool and am always so concerned how well I teach my daughter. I am learning that I have to figure out what works best for our family may be completely different than everybody else and that’s okay.
Ronni @ The Screenwriter's Wife says
I must be weird, but I’ve never really felt the “mommy guilt” that many other moms seem to feel. It may be because I grew up the oldest in a large family (6 kids), so I kind of always saw and heard other people comments on our family and learned very young to let them roll off me? Either way, I agree that letting go of mommy guilt is a good thing and I hope this helps people! 🙂
Julie says
That’s awesome that you never really got caught up in the mommy guilt. I agree that it is likely being the oldest in a large family – you’ve seen it all and have thick skin 🙂 Thanks Ronni!
Haley @ Haley's Vintage says
I feel so guilty about so many things (keeping the house clean, not cooking more, not playing with kids more, ant etc.) I finally had to realize my kids are happy and healthy and they will not care about hose things later in life.
Julie says
Great point! yes, if the kids are happy and healthy, that should be the metric to check against 🙂 Thanks Haley
Lisa says
Great list–I especially like number 2. We are all at different places in life, with different circumstances. Let’s give each other grace not guilt!
Erin @ American Mom in England says
The dreaded Mommy guilt – I think it’s something we all struggle with at times. I’ve gotten better at dealing with it by reminding myself that I am the perfect mother for my son.
Miranda says
I really like the Good for Her, Not for Me suggestion. Not everyone is walking the same path, so we can’t compare ourselves to others whose past, present, and future are different than ours. Great article.
Tina says
Yes, ban the guilt. These are great tips! I love think about the why? Why am I feeling this way?
Monica says
The mommy guilt is something I know maybe a little to well. For whatever way I may be feeling I overcome it by telling myself that I am a good mommy. My children have a great life with parents that love them so very much. Although we are young parents we are doing a great job raising our boys and I am so proud of the way they are turning out! This was a good post. Thanks for sharing!
TJ says
As mothers, we do often feel guilty. Whether we work FT, PT or even from home we always feel like there is so much more we could do. Thanks for the tips on lightening up about it.
Myriam says
I love this and I’ve had to use #2 a lot because in reality our lives are different and comparison will do more harm than good.
Brittney Minor says
Great list of reminders that we should follow. Thank you!
dana says
Great job. Its hard being a mom and guilt is going to rear its ugly head sometimes. Just have to nip it in the bud is what i say.
Talent hounds says
These tips are so great. I think they are important for anyone who feels any kind of guilt. Getting out of your head and voicing how you feel is really helpful in overcoming anxiety/guilt as well as being able to forgive yourself! We are always our worst critics and to remember to treat yourself with the same compassion you would treat others can be a good lesson and realization that we are too hard on ourselves.
Sara | mumturnedmom says
I love ‘good for her, not for me’, I’m going to repeat that one to myself! Guilt is a terrible thing, and very counter productive, we all need to give ourselves a break x Thank you so much for sharing with #ThePrompt x
Julie says
Absolutely, guilt is counter productive. Thanks Sara 🙂
Rachel says
That comparing issue is such a big thing I found with small play groups. Everyone is friendly but sometimes it appears as if there is a mummy competition going, every one trying to out do each other with their kids achievements.
I take my hats of to parents, it is one special ride filled with torment, heart break and growing pains. But the joy I see on parents faces at times certainly makes up for the little irritations. I enjoyed your post.
Rachel
Julie says
There is definitely a one-up going on in mommy play groups, and that is unfortunate since it adds more stress to this whole mom gig. Thanks Rachel 🙂
Sandy Sandmeyer says
We need to be forgiving to ourselves and stop placing unnecessary guilt on ourselves or other women. Thanks for sharing your post at the #AnythingGoes Link Party.
Julie says
Thanks Sandy! Yes, we do need to stop placing guilt on ourselves and others when it really doesn’t do anyone any good.
Mrs Puddleducky says
I feel like I spend most my life feeling guilty!! Part of being a mum I think! I’m just about to write a post about how guilty I felt taking a day off work to look after my sick daughter! We’re too hard on ourselves aren’t we? I guess that’s why we need to learn to forgive ourselves x
Julie says
We are too hard on ourselves, definitely. I think others aren’t as hard on us as we are on ourselves. You’re so right that we need to learn to forgive ourselves as we learn to forgive others too. 🙂 Thanks Mrs. Puddleducky (love that!)
Trista, Domesticated Momster says
I was just going through this last night. My 3 year old decided to take a nap at 5 in the evening (and when she falls asleep if I don’t catch her before there is no way of waking her up) so of course when it was time for everyone to go to bed she didn’t want to. Which makes tired mommy frustrated. I hate going to bed frustrated and them to fall asleep with the last image of mommy yelling GO TO SLEEP! So as always I went in..kissed her forehead…and said I was sorry for getting upset. I hate mommy guilt but mommy hood is hard sometimes. Thanks for sharing with #momsterslink.
Julie says
Mommy hood is most definitely hard. But we do the best we can, even if we sometimes lose our cool.
bex stark says
I over analyze everything so ‘shut the brain up’ is my new motto! thank you for the tips!
Julie says
Great new motto. That brain of ours can be bad news sometimes heh.
April says
Good for her and not for me.. absolutely love that tip! I will say that from now on when I am feeling like I am not doing enough! Thank for linking up 🙂
Julie says
Thanks April 🙂 Yes, we are absolutely doing enough, even though we may not always feel that way. So we have to remind ourselves.
Shannon says
Mommy guilt is a real thing! I’m finding it happening more now with my daughter because she sees things other kids have or their Moms let them do and I don’t! It’s hard!!
Julie says
Ooh when the little causes you to have guilt that’s gotta be hard. Not looking forward to the days when my baby can compare and complain heh.
Jennifer Corter says
I struggle a lot with comparing myself to other moms. But what you said is so true. Everyone is different, and they could be struggling, too.
Min says
Great advice. I love that “Good for her, not for me” quote. I have just started a new job and have been working really hard. As a single parent I’ve been largely relying on my mum for childcare and it sometimes feels like she’s the mum and I’m just a random person who sees the little one at weekends-and then this weekend I had to spend working too. Argh!
Leila says
I am very guilty of mommy guilt. And it is awful because then you feel so cut off and afraid to share how you are feeling or what you are going through because you are afraid that someone is going to judge you because you feel guilty so you think they have reason to judge you. Such a nasty cycle that many of us need to break!
Tiffany says
I am so guilty of staying in my head for way too long! I can talk myself into a frenzy in no time and most times it is so wrong! Great tips and I for one know I need to fight that Mom Guilt a lot harder. Thanks so much for coming by and sharing with us at MMBH this week 😀
mummy tries says
Fab post! Damn that mummy guilt, it’s a killer isn’t it #theprompt
Erin says
YES! Ban the mommy guilt. Do what is best for you and your child and be happy!
Shelah says
So many parents feel guilty when they are really great parents. You give great advice on how to avoid mommy guilt. I need to remember to “get out of my head”.
Pam says
Ah the mommy guilt . . . it is so hard to feel like we “should” or “could” be doing more. I try hard to remind myself of what I AM doing, and I also schedule specific “dates” with each kid every week (Starbucks on Mondays after school with my daughter and breakfast out Wednesday before school with my son). Having those in the calendar reminds me that I DO spend special time with each kid and although I can’t do everything, there is a lot I do!
Kathleen Lovlie says
It seems to be human nature to compare ourselves to other people and judge, or feel judged. I catch myself doing it all the time. As long as our children know that they are loved, accepted as they are, and respected as actual people, the arbitrary details don’t matter. It will make no difference in the long run if they got dinner on time or didn’t get to go to camp. Knowing that they are loved forms the framework on which they build their lives. As long as you’re doing that, you can know that you are doing all right.
Mergen says
I appreciate this reminder. I think there is so much pressure on moms and women in general that society places on us. I think that we do it to ourselves as well and need to remember that it’s ok to not be perfect.
Suzanna @ One Hoolie Mama says
Comparison does really lead to mommy guilt for me. Thanks for the reminder to focus on what’s good for me and my family, regardless of what others do. Thanks for linking up with Small Victories Sunday 🙂
Laura's Lovely Blog says
I really like good for her and not for me I must remember that one, so easy to lose yourself when you look after little ones thanks Julie 🙂
#momsterslinkup
Betsy @ A Mother's Road says
I definitely experienced Mommy guilt in the early weeks with both kids. Especially when #2 came, I was sad that I could not spend as much time with my toddler as I wanted. There was a readjustment time of months, but now I feel I’ve adapted to 2 kids (at 5 and 6 months postpartum).
However, what I experience more is Wife guilt. I don’t focus on my husband as much as I should. The kids take so much out of me and I end up putting him last, when really my relationship with my spouse is vital to our happiness as a family. I do a good job with the kids, but it’s hard to balance everything in life. It’s a daily struggle.
Julie says
It really is a struggle to be wife, mom, work, etc. I do find that I focus everything I have on the baby and at work, and have little energy left for the hubs.
Kate says
I cannot tell you how often I try to explain to my husband how guilt ridden I am right now. Or how often he tells me to get over it! Haha! Great post!
Julie says
Ha I don’t think the menfolk really feel this way.
Stacy says
There is such a lack of momfidence these days. I wonder if our moms felt the same way, or if it is a new phenomena that is a side effect of the advancement of women’s rights. We want to still fill all those roles our mothers and grandmothers did, and fulfill all of our possibilities and promises in our careers as well. It’s a tough position to be in. When I first set about creating a blog, I thought about calling it Spinning Plates because it feels like what I do all day long. I get one plate spinning well, while the 20 others are wobbling and about to fall. You just can’t give 100% focus to all of the things women/moms are expected to be.
Julie says
I love the word momfidence! Spinning plates is a really good metaphor for what we do!
Crystal Green says
This is wonderful advice. Being a mother is one of the hardest things in life to do. I believe that we tend to forget that our kids have their own free will to make up their own minds and make their own decisions regardless how well we raise them.
Julie says
That’s a great point too, we do our best but it is up to them to be the people they need to be 🙂
Angela Gilmore says
I definitely have guilt! I’ve had it since my first kid. It’s hard sometimes when I think about how much time I spend away from my kids, but I know that I am doing what I need to do to support my family. And when I’m home with them, I am enjoying my time with them.
Julie says
It is definitely difficult to spend a lot of time away but you’re doing great stuff for your family and like you said, when you’re with them you enjoy your time together. *hugs* Thanks Angela!
Jessica says
Great advice! I need to keep these on my mirror, haha!
Julie says
Oh what a fun idea for a printable 🙂
Silly Mummy says
This is really good and insightful advice. Useful I think as well to realise how many people feel this. #momsterslink
Julie says
Thanks 🙂 yes I bet a lot of people feel this way but don’t voice it.
Lucy at occupation:(m)other says
This is such an interesting and thoughtful post. I have always been a guilty person and the mother-guilt just compounds this! I completely agree with every point and I also particularly like the fact that you acknowledge that there might be something that is bothering us enough to make us want to change things (whether we should be feeling guilty about that thing is another matter!). We should trust out instincts as parents (however hard they can be to find in the fug of daily life and parenting advice).
Lucy at occupation:(m)other says
Completely forgot to say that I’m stopping by from #momsterslink xx
Julie says
Thanks Lucy 🙂 We should definitely trust our instincts and know we are doing the best we can, and we are great moms.
Michelle says
That’s great advice! Especially for new moms! Thanks for sharing. Visiting from #momsterlink
Talya says
Great tips for something we all suffer from. I love the get out of your head one especially. When I am feeling guilty, I try to remind myself that if I am not happy, nobody is happy! And that I am doing the best I can in my situation….#momsterslink
Julie says
That’s a great mantra! Yes, you are doing the best you can and that makes you awesome 🙂
Caro | The Twinkles Mama says
Get out of your head is SUCH a good tip. So many times, we churn things around in our heads and actually if you say it out loud — or just shut it down and get on with things — the situation is never as bad as it is in our head. Thanks for linking up to #TwinklyTuesday — much appreciated x
Julie says
It is true that things don’t seem so bad as inside our own minds 🙂 Thanks Caro!
Lisa/Syncopated Mama says
I really like your “good for her, not for me” point. Sometimes, when we do things differently from others, it leads us to question our decisions. Sure, it’s wise to consider things from their point of view (maybe they’ve got more information to help us make a better decision!), but it’s okay to be different and do what’s best for our families!
Julie says
It is definitely ok and good to be different and to do things our own ways and the ways that work for our families. Thanks Lisa! 🙂
Shannon says
This is so true – as a mom of two I struggle with mommy guilt sometimes. I compare myself to my mom and want to be as great of a mom as her! One thing I struggle with is making time that is specifically for me. I can attest that I’m a better mom and partner when I workout but finding the time is really hard. Thanks for the article 🙂
Julie says
That’s really sweet though that you want to be as good as your own mom was to you 🙂
Crystal says
While I’m not a mother yet I can say at times I experience “wife guilt”. I want to create a good, clean home for my husband but sometimes I just can’t do it all. I’ve learned that it’s ok if I have to ask him to help me. He actually doesn’t mind at all and it gives us time to work on something together, even if it is washing dishes.
Julie says
That’s a really good point Crystal, guilt comes in all directions and for any hats we wear.
Tamala says
Ahhhh! Mommy Guilt… We are all, usually, too hard on ourselves. Comparing ourselves to others is definitely not good!! What always helps me is when I see my boys smiles and they say, “I love you, Mommy!” It melts me.
Tamala
Julie says
Aww that is sweet! Getting the validation from your own kids is a great way to kick out guilt.
Missy says
I’m not a mommy yet, maybe one day – although my clock is ticking ticking ticking. I can imagine it being hard going back to work shortly after giving birth and feeling guilty about it. This is why I think family is so important during this time of transition for support, advice, etc.
Good topic Julie.
Julie says
Family is definitely important during this time, with support and advice and just a set of hands. Yet sometimes family can cause guilt as well. Thanks Missy!
Leilani says
Mommy guilt is so rampant! I am not a mom to humans but to cats so I don’t struggle. Still, it would be interesting to ask moms from older generations if they ever felt as guilty as moms do now. Now I’m curious!
Alicia says
my kids are 11 and 9 and I’m just now learning to let go of mommy guilt
Brandyn says
I love these tips! It is all in our heads, but it can be a hard voice to tune out! I have been struggling with this since the birth of my daughter, but even more so since I returned to work after being home with her for 2 years. I really needed this today!
Thank you for sharing with us at #MommyMeetupMondays!
Julie says
*HUGS* returning to work is tough! You’re doing a great job Brandyn!
cuteheads says
It’s so tough not to feel that mommy guilt sometimes, but we’re all in it this together and doing the best we can. You’re doing a great job mama!
xo
Esther
The Cuteness
Julie says
As are you! 🙂
Nicola Tweed says
I am 8 months pregnant with my first child and I am already experiencing Mummy guilt!!! It’s so easy to compare yourself and your childs development to your friends or family and then it’s always the question of ‘am I doing it right?’
I love the last point – forgiveness. I’ll make sure to remember that when I’m feeling the guilt again 🙂
Julie says
I hope you’re remembering to forgive yourself as you’re experiencing all that being a new mom throws at you.
Linda says
I SO agree with the “Good for her, not for me” tip. It reminds me of the saying, “Don’t compare your life with anyone elses. You see the entire production of your own life, while you’re only seeing their highlight reel.” That helped me alot when I felt like I wasn’t doing for my kids what others were.
Julie says
That highlight reel quote is wonderful! Thanks Linda!
Something Crunchy Mummy says
Great post! And great advice. Thanks for linking up to #justanotherlinky xx
Sue @ Home Heart Harmony says
I think Mum guilt comes with the job! You are never going to be 100% perfect and on top of everything and when the person affected by your slip-up is your child, you’re going to feel bad about it. It’s just part of life. It’s a valuable lesson for your children to learn that their Mum can’t do it all and teaches them not to expect perfection – from her or themselves! See, you’re doing your Mummy duty by slipping up! It’s all a life lesson in the long run. You can only do your best. P.S. I have just this minute returned from my son’s swimming time trials where his goggles fell off half way through (slowing him down) and I immediately blamed myself as he has been asking me to get him a new pair! #TwinklyTuesday
Julie says
You’re so right Sue that it does come with the job. Learning not to expect perfection is an important lesson definitely. I like that though – by slipping up we teach this lesson 🙂
Elle Spann says
that “good for her, not for me” quote is golden!!
elle
Southern Elle Style
Beth says
Mum’s guilt is awful! I feel guilty every single evening nearly. Thinking back in the day about how I should have done things and said things differently!
Thank you so much for linking up to #justanotherlinky
Julie says
It is bad especially in hindsight because you can’t change anything but we still think about what we should have done. Thanks Beth!
Lynn says
Mummy guilt is awful, and we musnt beat ourselves up about it. Full stop:-)
Julie says
I like that, full stop. Thanks Lynn 🙂
Steph says
I think Mommy Guilt is something that comes and goes – for me anyway. Sometimes I am able to say, “I’m not perfect, but I’m doing my best and it’s ok” Other times, I’m definitely burdened with feeling my shortcomings even with your tips.
Julie says
You’re right that some times we’re better at keeping that nagging voice away and other times it gets the best of us. Thanks Steph 🙂
Sarah says
Great tips – particularly not comparing yourself to others! #TwinklyTuesday
Julie says
Thanks Sarah 🙂 Comparison can be quite hurtful if we let it.
Jennifer says
Love #2! You’re so right that what works for one person or family might not work at all for another. Great list! Visiting from #twinklytuesday
Julie says
Exactly, we gotta find what works for our situations and not punish ourselves for not being able to do it all. Thanks Jennifer 🙂
Gale says
The “good for her/not for me” tip is so great. It’s so hard not to compare…and almost never a good thing.
Julie says
Agree, comparison usually ends in negative feelings, but you’re right that it is so hard not to.
Amber says
It took me almost 13 years to get rid of mommy guilt. I thought it was just a made up thing until I became one.
Julie says
Ouch 13 years is a long time! It is interesting how we don’t really understand it until we become moms ourselves.
Tanya @ Mom's Small Victories says
It’s so hard to fight the Mommy guilt, sometimes we are our own worst enemy These are great tips. Thanks for sharing with Small Victories Sunday linkup. Pinned to our linkup board and tweeted.
Julie says
We really are our worst enemies, when we should be our best supporters, right? Thanks Tanya!
Katrina says
Oh my gosh…don’t even get me started on the Mommy Guilt. LOL It is something all moms struggle with. Thanks for these tips, because yes! We all need to combat the MG. It does us no good!
Julie says
Yes! It does us no good, exactly. Thanks Katrina 🙂
Misty Newsome says
Yes! Why do we always focus and remember on the negatives when there is SO MUCH GOOD we do as moms for our kids. God is in control and can help as we give each day to him.
Julie says
You’re so right, there is so much good we do for our kids and we really need to pay attention to that and let the negatives go. Thanks Misty!
Tiffani says
Such important tips! We can be so hard on ourselves sometimes. Love the tip on not comparing. The grass is not always greener on the other side. Great post! (Coming over from Small Victories Sunday Linkup)
Julie says
Thanks Tiffani. Yep, the grass isn’t always greener, even if it looks that way from a distance.
Keisha says
Love this! I struggle with guilt about everything, because I can’t keep up with it l!
Julie says
There is definitely a lot to keep up with, I know what you mean.
Echo says
These are great tips! Mommy guilt can be so debilitating!
Julie says
Thanks Echo 🙂 Yes, it really can be debilitating, and it is unfair to us to let it get that way.