Mom guilt is a ridiculous thing that we are constantly bombarded with and are trying to kick to the curb. It isn’t easy, and the mom guilt finds its way back and likes to cause us trouble.
I thought I would have mom guilt over working full-time and being away from my child for so many hours. Leaving my child is not easy and I do feel sad, especially when he clings to my leg! However, I have totally accepted the need for work week child care as my normal, and I am at peace with working and having to have childcare during the day. But there are other things I still have mom guilt over.
Things I have Mom Guilt over
Mom Guilt 1: Getting a babysitter so I can “play” on weekends.
I can accept needing child care during the week while I’m at work. But for some reason, I can’t seem to get over my aversion to getting extra child care on weekends. I don’t see my child much during the week (just a bit in the morning and the evening) so it just feels so wrong to then not spend time with him on weekends.
I’ve recently realized I probably need to get a sitter for my child once a month for my evening book club since he freaks out at all the people and being at someone’s home. But then I feel super guilty just thinking about that. My recent theater season just ended and did not renew my season tickets. This was for several reasons since I also felt like I just needed a break from it, but one of those reasons was that I felt bad asking our nanny to work an extra day. I feel bad since she already works long hours 5 days a week.
I also feel guilty about paying for child care when I am perfectly fine at caring for my child myself at that time. Even having this guilt makes me feel guilty. Why do I have this guilt? Don’t I deserve time to myself?
Mom Guilt 2: Hiring a maid.
What is it about paying someone for a task I really could and should do myself that is such a source of guilt for me? I hate cleaning, and I’m not really all that good at it. I’ve never considered myself a good housekeeper. I’d rather pay attention to my child then stick him in a playpen while I clean around him.
So why does it feel uncomfortable for me to hire a cleaning service? I can’t tell you the answer to that, but I very rarely do this. This reminds me though that my home is way overdue for a good cleaning. Guess I should get over this guilt thing and get someone on the schedule.
Mom Guilt 3: Being so tired on weekends that we don’t go out as much.
This one isn’t as silly as the previous two, and I’m sure many people can relate. Taking a young toddler out anywhere is mentally and physically draining and sometimes is no fun at all when the monster beastie awakens inside your child and takes over your activity.
I work all day and my commute is long, so evenings are almost nonexistent for us. We do go for walks when I get home from work almost every evening because that’s healthy for us both and helps the little one get to sleep.
But weekends – I know I should do more with him. Sometimes I am just so tired though that we sit at home and he runs circles around me. Other times we do make plans to go do something that is fun, even for a short while.
I want to do more fun weekend activities with my baby boy, but I don’t always have the willpower or energy – especially by myself.
What does Mom Guilt look like for you? Tell me about it!
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Trista, Domesticated Momster says
Mom guilt is the worst. We feel guilty for taking any time for ourselves and yet we deserve it. And girl I wouldn’t feel bad about a maid …I wish I could afford one. Thanks so much for linking up with #momsterslink hope to see you tomorrow!
Julie says
Well, the maid thing isn’t in the budget, so I rarely get one. But I feel bad about considering it haha
Lisa Pomerantz says
I’m having a great big dose of mom guilt now — 8 days worth as my girls and the Mrs. are away for a vacay with the fam and I am home working. 8 days I don’t get back. 2 nights with little crying in the ohone, missing me. I know they are fine, and I know I will be too, but this is hard! Guilty, as charged.
#momsterlink
Julie says
Aww being away is hard 🙁 Hang in there!
Jessica Foley says
Mom Guilt creeps in over the strangest things sometimes. I am also a working mom and it took me a long time to be okay being glad to go to work and have some “grownup conversations” in my life again. And I think the going out in the evening or on weekends guilt is all the same as working mom guilt. But you need to go out, explore your own interests, and know that your kiddo like his or her caregiver and won’t remember that you went out a few times a month when they were a toddler. It’s the time you do spend together (at home or out and about) that they will remember. I wish I had a suggestion for lessening mom guilt, but all I have is a sympathetic ear.
~Jess #momsterlink
Julie says
Thanks Jess. You’re right that we do need to pursue our own interests too. It is just a mind block some of us need to get over.
laughing mum says
ah we have all had these, your not alone! I think for me the key thing is realising that it IS ok to want a little time for you, it IS ok to be so knackered that at the weekends sometimes we DO just want to stay home and it IS ok to hire a cleaner if thats what you prefer.. honestly, we could berate ourselves so much, but as long as our kids are happy, theres give and take in all situations, its all about finding a balance. #momsterslink
Julie says
Thanks 🙂 You’re right though – it is about balance, and its OK to not be perfect. We’re our own toughest critics. Well, maybe the kids are tougher.
Jane Allen says
Mom guilt is something we just cannot wish away. I can so totally relate to your experience. When it attacks ferociously, I’ve learned to be kind to myself. I’ve learned to be gentle with myself. And, that helps the process. Especially, in cases when I can do nothing about the cause of my guilt. For example, past mistakes. It’s not gonna disappear, we’ve got to become better at managing it, by doing the best we can, under normal circumstances.
Julie says
Love that – be gentle with yourself. YES! Something important to remember.
Allyson Greene says
That I spend more time with one child or the other (even though they are ten years apart and rarely want to do the same thing) That I cant give the all the things I wish I could. That I didnt know enough with my first born compared to what I know now with my younger one. Ugh it is unending. But we try our hardest so dont be guilty! #KCACOLS
Julie says
I can definitely believe a rise in guilt with more than one child. Yo!u’re right though we do our best!
Rebecca says
Mum -guilt is the worst. And I think no matter what we do or don’t do we’ll have it!
You mustn’t feel guilty for wanting you -time. It’s so important! And the whole cleaning thing. I hate it too but I have OCD so even if i got someone in I’d still go behind them! But I resent spending time cleaning!
You’re doing a fantastic job so try not to feel guilty!
Julie says
Oh wow yea if you’d feel the need to go behind someone anyway then there’s no point. Thanks lady 🙂 You’re right, we’ll have the guilt no matter what. It comes with the job.
Samantha @ Momma Wants Java says
I agree with all three of these! The cleaning is weird though. I’d love to have someone clean my house, but I’m totally not comfortable with it at ALL! I don’t want to clean it, either, so this is really hard to explain. At least you understand!
Julie says
Totally! I hate cleaning, and so rarely actually do it, but I feel so weird having someone else clean while I watch them….
Ali Duke says
I work on Sundays and some evenings, so I don’t get to spend much time with my kids when they are home from school. We just have to remember that we are working to give them a good life x
#KCACOLS
Julie says
Very true, gotta remember our why in things. THanks Ali!
Paranoid Working Parent says
Totally agree! I also feeling guilty for taking time out when I barely look after our daughter during the week, it is left to others (and paid others, not even other extended family members). I need time to myself and we need time as a couple too, so I just accept that sometimes we will get additional childcare at weekends. When my daughter tells me how much she misses me when I go to work, that is when the mum guilt really rallies! #KCACOLS
Julie says
Yea it is so hard to leave when they are clinging to you!
Sarah says
Feeling all of these ones! Apart from the cleaning – someone else needs the wage you can pay, and why do something you hate when you could be spending the time with your boy?! #KCACOLS
Julie says
You’re right though – someone else could use the wage and I could use the time to spend playing. I like the way you think Sarah!
Emma says
Oh that mum guilt has a lot to answer to! I would love a maid to help though. I worry that I don’t sit down and spend long enough helping Oldest with her homework! Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next Sunday
Julie says
I keep wanting to hire a maid, but then I close the browser tab and say nah I shuouldn’t. So bad heh.
Sarah says
Ahh the mum guilt. Seriously so many of us mums, feel guilt over the silliest things.
But I do agree with you about the first post, I feel so guilty whenever I take my daughter to nursery, as she cries everytime. But she has such a good time and doesnt want to leave!
I definetly agree with the top comment though, a happy mum is a good mum.
Sarah xxx
http://www.whimsicalmumblings.co.uk
Julie says
Haha isn’t that just like them, crying not wanting to go somewhere, then crying to leave.
Angela K. Hill says
Anything that makes you a better mom, isn’t worth feeling guilty over. And if having someone clean, or watch your child while you do things that help you be a happier person, will make you a better mom. That being said, I feel totally guilty that we don’t get out as much as I’d like. I am so tired on the weekends too! And it is super exhausting to haul both kids out, and keep them entertained all day.
The guilt sucks though. And I hate feeling it. But I constantly remind myself, that a happy mom is a better mom. And I need to stay up to date with what makes me happy. When you are happy, your kids are happy!
Julie says
So right you are Angela! A happy mom is a better mom, and we can’t be superhuman and stretch ourselves too thin either.
Amber says
I’ve asked for a one-time housecleaning service for Christmas before. My husband never judges me, he’s happy to 1) not have to think of a gift and 2) have a house cleaner than I ever get it! I’m not a good housekeeper either. Hire a maid as a gift to yourself (birthday even) and don’t feel a bit guilty about it!
Julie says
That is a great gift idea actually!
Healing Mama says
I can totally relate to this post. Lately, I’ve been wanting to put my kids in childcare at least a couple of days a week and I’m a stay at home mom! Most people would look at me like I’m crazy but at this point I don’t care. I realized that successful people ask for help. I beat myself up over it for a long time too. I also plan on hiring a laundry service since that is one thing I struggle with and maybe even a maid service. LOL.
Julie says
I love that “successful people ask for help” LOVE IT!
I was certainly a lot more forgiving with myself when I was pregnant heh.
Amber says
Nikki I’m not doing it now because of summer but during the school year I do a kid swap with me friend where she takes my son from 10-12 on Tuesdays and I take her daughter from 10-12 on Wednesdays so we can have alone time to do whatever. I’ve blogged, gone shopping, and taken a nap on those days. Whatever you want to do in peace, you can! Do you have anyone you could kid swap with? It’s awesome!
Rachel says
Mom guilt is so tough to get over. I feel guilty when my son has difficult behaviors and often feel it is a reflection on me failing him some how which makes no sense because I am therapist and have never judged parents for their childrens’ difficulties! One of the best ways for me to get over mom guilt is to imagine what i would say to a friend if she came to me with the same guilt and try to give myself the same type of kindness.
Julie says
I think it is interesting how you judge your own parenting differently than that of your friends or clients. We really are hardest on ourselves.
Sahvana says
Getting a babysitter on the weekend is also my mom guilt, and I am a stay at home mom! Anytime I am not taking care of my littles, I feel guilty. I also feel guilty when I buy stuff for myself. I wish I could hire a housekeeper… that is one thing that I know I wouldn’t feel guilty about. I loathe housework! Lol
Julie says
Thanks Sahvana! It seems wrong to ask for help when we should be able to do it ourselves, huh?
Jessica says
I can relate, especially about getting a babysitter to ‘play’ on the weekends! It’s hard not feeling guilty, but in the end taking ‘me’ time helps us to be better parents!
Julie says
You’re so right! We need that me time to recharge and be better for our kids.
Tammi @ Momma's Meals says
Ugh the Mom guilt topic. Yes. I haven’t written about it myself a few times. I work from home part time so when the kids are around I feel so much guilt when I haven’t to check emails and such……It never ends.
Julie says
Working from home is more of a struggle because the kids see you and want your attention. Defintely never ends ha.
Jasmine Almeida says
I get so much mom guilt! all. the. time. I even get mom guilt when I go to the gym! In fact no matter where I go without my kids I have this anxious feeling. I guess I just miss them.
Julie says
That too, the missing them, but I’m sure there’s more to it.
Sara says
I’ve cleaned the house this morning just so I’m ready for the real cleaners to come. It’s important we don’t feel guilty about things like this because for many of us- it helps us be better moms and partners! Thank you for this post!
Julie says
You’re right that having time for ourselves or getting a cleaner or whatever it is that helps us be better parents, is so important to allow ourselves to have.
Melissa Roy says
There are always things to feel guilty about. I’m a stay-at-home, homeschooling mommy and feel guilty that I don’t have more patience and that I wish I had more time to do my writing work so I don’t have to spend time with my kids being on the computer!
Julie says
Oh that elusive patience! I need more of that as well.
Tori says
I can relate so much to this post Julie! We are also away from the kids so much for work that we rarely ask for time to ourselves when we are off. I also have been thinking of hiring a maid but haven’t actually bitten the bullet to do so because deep down I feel like I should be able to handle it all!
Thanks for sharing
Tori
Julie says
We put too much pressure on ourselves to try to do it all. It isn’t fair to us but that’s what we do. I keep asking myself, why can’t I do it all myself? heh
Kathy Haan says
Mom guilt is the worst. My husband is a SAHD so no maid here (other than him), and since I WFH full-time, I have guilt about not spending enough time with my kids so I don’t do the babysitter thing….but I DO have lots of guilt over my health issues causing me to be so so so tired all the time and having zero energy.
Julie says
Uh having health issues on top of a busy schedule and kids is tough! Kids definitely expect us to match their energy levels no matter how we’re feeling.